Maybe you don’t: here’s my story.
I’m back to blogging. I’ve been craaaaaving writing. I’ve been day dreaming about writing. So here I am. Writing.
I don’t want to dwell too much on my um… 5 month break…mainly because (1) the posts I wrote right before I stopped are heavy and scary to read and I don’t want to start crying in the Starbucks I’m blogging from and (2) I don’t think it’s all that productive. Here’s what I’ll say about my absence: I was sad, really sad, crying all the time sad (yes, depressed, whatever), and I stopped believing in my voice, I stopped believing in myself, and I stopped believing that I had anything at all of meaning to say.
Since January I’ve been growing stronger and more stable, and am ready to share again, let people in again, specifically about this aspect of my life, you know, the fat side of things.
The months of crying and general hopelessness and helplessness were also accompanied by a full blown relapse into binge eating. At first I tried to fight it with crazy amounts of exercise, but after continuing trying and failing to keep my weight steady, I gave up completely and fell deep into a state of just…numb existence.
But hey, I’m on the mend now, I’m healing now, and part of healing is to get over the ridiculous amounts of shame I feel for what happened to me, for what I went through. Real talk: I feel a ton of shame and embarrassment that I was depressed. I feel a ton of shame and am generally mortified that I’m currently 20 pounds heavier than my lowest weight.
But, you know what the best antidote to shame is? Being OUT there with what you’ve got going on. During those months of depression I pretty much cut contact with most people in my life, or kept them on the outside, because I didn’t want anyone to see what I was going through. But, to quote someone famous somewhere, ain’t no one got time for that, or something.
I’m done wasting energy on feeling embarrassed that I gained weight and I’m ready to get back to what the original purpose of this blog is: the crazy struggle of being body positive and working toward body acceptance in a crazy culture where being fat is constantly demonized and skinyness is next to Godliness.
Currently, most days, I feel better about my body than I have in months. Despite having some scale-based self esteem issues, I’m mostly doing okay in that area, but still recognizing that loving my body is a daily practice that I have to be and stay devoted to. When I don’t make it a priority, I feel shitty, I act shitty, and I want shitty foods. So, stay on it Jodster.
Anway, I could keep blabbering because I’ve truly missed sharing this part of my life, and I’ve also missed the community of my blog, and of other blogs, and of just, you guys, relating on things I thought no one could possibly relate to because they felt so deep and raw.
So hello, readers (probably just my sisters at this point), I’ve missed you terribly.