It’s been a while.
I have no real reason for not blogging, other than I haven’t been losing any weight. Shitty reason right?
I had a post almost done…that was two weeks before my birthday.
My birthday was on Friday.
So yeah, haven’t written in a while.
The post that I was supposed to post was titled “When nothing changes”
And, it talked about how my weight hasn’t changed in a year (birthday themed, obviously).
And, it talked about how, even though my weight hasn’t changed in a year, that I still know that I’ve changed, maybe the most in this year.
I don’t want to talk about any of that.
All I want to do, is spread a message of self-acceptance.
There are a lot of things that made this last year tough, that I’m “blaming” for why my weight hasn’t changed in a year.
It’s not worth my proverbial breath to talk about.
The night of my birthday, I had a delicious dinner with my best friend (Cocktails, Wine, Burgers, More Wine, FroYo), and like you do with best friends, we sat in my car until late at night talking about life.
She knows I haven’t been the happiest of happys lately, and she knows some (a lot?) of that stems from anxiety about my weight, and she told me that it didn’t matter to anyone else what my weight was, if I was losing, etc.
I felt like a failure because my weight hadn’t changed. If I had sat down and thought about how my friends felt about me because of my weight, what she said was probably the conclusion I would have come to, but it was different, comforting, reassuring, and lovely, coming from her. That’s how anxiety works, you don’t think about logical conclusions. Sometimes it takes someone else to cut through.
Best friends, AMIRITE?
I mentioned to another friend yesterday that I feel like I’ve been living “reactively” instead of “proactively”
As in, I need to lose weight for these things so let me start cutting calories immediately, but first, let me eat all the stuff in my apartment that I won’t let myself eat soon.
That is me, reacting inappropriately, to any kind of future situation.
When I’m in control, and know that who I am now, and who I am in the future, will be just fine and completely enough, for any kind of situation anywhere, that doesn’t happen.
Listen, it wasn’t self-acceptance alone that helped me lose a lot of weight. It was daily food tracking, consistent exercising, and keeping my emotional eating in check.
But, I only could do that because I believed I was worth the effort.
I’ve been getting caught in a cycle of not doing those things, gaining weight, feeling depressed, and then believing that the depression is from the weight gain, when it’s really from not taking care of myself (ie. daily food tracking, consistent exercise, keeping my emotional eating in check).
See how that works?
My weight, a number, the size of my clothes, does not trigger or take away from my happiness. There will always be a lower weight to chase and a smaller pair of jeans to squeeze in to.
I didn’t want to write in this blog for a while because I didn’t feel like I had the “answer” to weight loss. I didn’t feel like I had anything figured out, and I felt like a giant fraud.
But this blog, who I am, what I’m about, what keeps me going, is not weight loss.
Three years ago when I began to lose weight, the motivation, the “answer” was love. It wasn’t a new diet I was trying, it wasn’t a month-long challenge to cut out sugar, it wasn’t a 3-day juice fast.
It was about caring about myself, and not letting food control me, as it had for so many years with binge eating.
When I want to write about that, the words flow, they are words I feel good about, they are words I can completely stand behind.
“You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection” – Buddha